from shalini...with love

Slideshow personalized with Smilebox

JUST A BAD DAY...

THERE ARE NUMEROUS TIMES IN A PERSON’S LIFE WHEN HE IS FACED WITH THE DILEMMA OF THE SITTUATION, A CONFUSING TURN IN ONE’S LIFE...A TIME WHEN EVEN YOUR OWN HOME FEELS LIKE A STRANGE PLACE, WHEN YOUR OWN FAMILY AND FRIENDS BECOME ALIEN TO YOU...WHEN THE PERSON WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU LOVED BECOMES THE BIGGEST BURDEN ON YOUR SHOULDER...WHEN YOUR JOB WHICH FELT LIKE A GAME BECOMES A CHORE YOU WISH YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO...EVEN THE SONG THAT WAS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD BECOMES SAD AND SOLITARY...
SO WHAT IS THE ESCAPE FROM THE SHACKLES OF DEPRESSION ???
I SURE AS HELL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT...PEOPLE SAY THAT TALKING TO YOUR LOVER OR YOUR BEST FRIEND ALWAYS CHEERS YOU UP...BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND IS OUT MAKING NEW BEST FRIENDS THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY AND THE PERSON WHO YOU HAD THOSE WARM AND FUZZY FEELINGS FOR IS THE ONE YOU ARE CONSTANTLY AVOIDING BECAUSE YOU ARE A COMMITTOPHOBE...YOU CAN NOT HELP BUT GO IN A DARK PLACE...
SO WHAT IS THE PATH TO CALM FOR A TRAIN-WRECK LIKE ME ???
SITTING IN THE EMPTINESS OF MY ROOM I WONDER WEATHER I MADE ANY CORRECT DECISIONS IN MY LIFE...SURE I GOT WHAT I WANTED PROFESSIONALLY, BEING LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OF MY PEERS, BEING THE APPLE OF MY TEACHERS’ EYES AND THE THORN IN THE EYES OF MY COMPETITION...BUT WHAT WAS IT ALL WORTH...
I TRADED MY FUN TIME WITH FRIENDS FOR AN HOUR EXTRA ON THE LIBRARY COMPUTER RESEARCHING JUST A BIT MORE...I SKIPPED PARTIES BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO MISS MY CLASS THE NEXT MORNING...I MADE SURE WORK CAME WAY AHEAD OF MY LIFE EVERY SINGLE TIME...AND LOOK WHERE I ENDED UP...I BARELY HAVE FRIENDS, I AM ALL ALONE...I HAVE MAJOR ISSUES WITH GETTING PERSONALLY ATTACHED TO ANYONE...I ONLY BELIEVE IN SUPERFICIALITY AND NO INTIMACY...IT IS DEPRESSING EVEN TO TALK ABOUT MY SAD STATE...
I SEE MY COUSINS AND MY FRIENDS LIVING IN THE MOMENT, CARING A DAMN ABOUT THE FUTURE AND I GET TO THINKING WEATHER THAT IS THE CORRECT WAY TO GOING ABOUT LIVING YOUR LIFE...I SURE AS HELL DID NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DITCH MY WORK AND JUST HANG OUT...I WAS TOO BENT ON DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE...AND WHAT EXTRA JOY DID IT GET ME...I GOT PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS BUT NO ONE TO CELEBRATE THAT SUCCESS WITH...I HAVE THE MONEY YET NO ONE TO SPEND IT ON...MY CLASS MATES WHO BARELY MADE IT THROUGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE ARE LIVING IT UP...THEY ARE HAPPY WITH WHAT THEY HAVE...
ME, I AM ALWAYS OBSESSING ABOUT EVERYTHING I DO NOT HAVE AND WISH TO OWN...I AM SO BADLY ENTANGLED IN THIS NEUROTIC FEAR OF THE FUTURE THAT I AM POTENTIALLY RUINING MY PRESENT WHICH WILL OBVIOUSLY DESTROY MY FUTURE...AND THE WORST PART IS I KNOW ALL THIS AND EVEN THEN I AM ABSOLUTELY OBLIVIOUS OF IT...
THE ONLY WAY I VENT OUT THIS ANGUISH AND FRUSTRATION IS BY WRITING ABOUT THIS ON MY BLOG WHICH CAN POTENTIALLY BE AWARDED THE MOST DEPRESSING THING PRESENT ON THE INTERNET, BUT I AM LOST HERE AND THIS SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY WAY OUT FOR ME...
I HAVE, FOR YEARS NOW, BEEN USING HUMOR AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM...THIS HAS RESULTED IN ME BEING THE PERSON EVERYONE GOES TO WHEN THEY ARE DEPRESSED...THEY DUMP THEIR LOAD ON ME AND BECOME HAPPY AND GAY, WHAT THEY DO NOT KNOW IS THAT THEIR CRAP REMINDS ME CONSTANTLY OF THE CRAP I HAVE IN MY LIFE...AND THIS MAKES ME MORE DEPRESSED AND THIS BECOMES A VICIOUS CYCLE...A CYCLE WHICH I WANT TO BREAK FREE FROM.
THAT IS THE REASON WHY I PLAN TO LEAVE MY NATIVE COUNTRY AND START AFRESH IN A NEW LAND...WITH A CLEAN SLATE...WITH PEOPLE WHO WOULD KNOW ME THE WAY I WOULD PRESENT MYSELF TO THEM AND WILL NOT BE PREDUJICED BY MY PAST...I WOULD BE A NEW ME, A VERSION 1.2 IF YOU WILL...LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES, I WOULD HAVE LOADS OF EXPERIENCE TO BASE MY FUTURE LIFE ON...ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR ME...I CAN STILL HAVE MY TEEN BACK...I CAN STILL HAVE THE HAPINESS AND HYSTERIA OF COLLEGE LIFE IN MY 20s...I CAN STILL HAVE THE EXCITEMENT OF THE CRAZY LOVE EVERYONE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT...
I CAN STILL BE HAPPY !!!

HERE WE ARE...AGAIN

HEY FOLKS WHO DO READ MY BLOG !!! I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE...A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME THAT MY BLOGS ARE WAY TOO DEPRESSING TO BE CHERISHED...AND SHE WAS RIGHT...BUT NOW I AM OUT OF THE HELL HOLE THEY CALL COLLEGE-LIFE AND AS STRANGE AS IT MAY SOUND, AS SOON AS I LEFT THE WAGON-LOAD OF CRAP BEHIND, I FELT MORE CONFIDENT AND HAPPY...TALK ABOUT DISPELLING THE BAD ENERGY AROUND YOU...ANYHOW...ON TO THE MATTER AT HAND...I AM IN QUITE A PICKLE HERE RIGHT NOW...I AM APPLYING FOR MY MASTERS IN EUROPE AND QUITE FRANKLY I CAN NOT SEEM TO NARROW DOWN MY OPTIONS...THERE IS BRITAIN WITH SOME GOOD ARCHITECTURE SCHOOLS...THEN THERE IS SCOTLAND AND IT HAS ITS OWN THING GOING ON...AND THEN THERE IS IRELAND...WHICH I MIGHT OPT OUT FROM AS I HATE THEIR BEER !!! THEN OF COURSE THERE IS ITALY AND FRANCE AND SPAIN AND GERMANY...BUT THEY DO NOT PROVIDE COURSES IN ENGLISH...AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE, REST ASSURED...
SO YES AS OF NOW, I AM IN A BIT OF A MESS...AND I DON'T SEE ANY HELP ON THE HORIZON...SO THAT'S ME...STRANDED, WAITING TO BE RESCUED...HELP !!!