I KNOW EVERYONE SAYS THIS AT ONE POINT IN LIFE...AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS WAS A STUPID PHRASE...U KNO...WE ALL FOCUS ON WHAT WE DON'T HAVE AND FORGET TO SAVOUR WHAT WE DO HAVE...BUT WHY...WHY SHOULD WE NOT FEEL JEALOUS, WHY NOT FEEL GREEDY, WHY NOT FEEL MISERABLE...WHY...I FOR ONE AM A HUGE JEALOUS PERSON...AND I CAN FIND A MILLION THINGS IN THE OTHER PERSON THAT I WISH TO HAVE...AND THAT REALLY KILLS ME INSIDE...LIKE THE THOUGHT THAT ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN ON A FOREIGN HOLIDAY AND I HAVE'NT OR ALL MY CLASS-MATES DRINK AND SMOKE AND I DON'T...THESE THINGS REALLY MAKE ME JEALOUS...AND I ALWAYS TRY TO CONVERT THAT JEALOUSY INTO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE...MOSTLY...BUT SOMETIMES I SIT ON MY ROCKING CHAIR AND OPEN ONE BOX OF BISCUITS AFTER ANOTHER AND BROOD IT ALL AWAY...BUT NOW IS A VERY STRANGE TIME FOR ME...I MEAN I AM EXTRA SENSITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING...I AM ALWAYS CRIBBING...I AM ALWAYS ARGUING...ITS LIKE I AM BEING PUSHED BY EVERYONE...
I NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THIS...I WAS A CONFIDENT BOY IN SCHOOL...BEST AT EVERYTHING...I WAS AT THE TOP OF MY GAME...LIFE FELT GOOD...AND THEN CAME MY 12TH...2005...THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE...AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE I HIT ROCK-BOTTOM...PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY...IT NEARLY PUSHED ME INTO KILLING MYSELF...AND NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT I DID TRY IT ONCE OR TWICE...BUT I GUESS I DID NOT HAVE THE BALLS...AND THEN, AFTER MY 12TH RESULT AND MY AIEEE RESULT CAME OUT, I HIT PARANOID CITY...I MEAN...A TOTAL LOSS OF CONFIDENCE...AND TO ADD TO IT , MY COLLEGE-MATES WERE NO HELP AT ALL...I BECAME THE EASIEST TARGET AS I DID NOT TALK TO ANYONE...I WAS SHUNNED OUT LIKE A DAY OLD SANDWICH...I WAS ACCUSED OF THINGS I NEVER DID, COZ I NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO FIGHT FOR ME...AND IT DID NOT MATTER BECAUSE BY THEN I HAD TOTALLY RUINED MY LIFE...FEAR AND SELF-LOATHING HAD SET IN MY PERSONALITY...I HAD BECOME AN OSTRICH AMONGST A PACK OF HYENAS...
NO ONE CARED ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND ME...EVERYONE JUST STEREOTYPED ME AND JUDGED ME...I BECAME A FAT STRANGE, ALMOST DECLARED GAY; GEEK WHICH MADE ME THE LAUGH OF THE WHOLE CLASS...AND IT DID NOT HURT AT ALL BECAUSE BY THEN I HAD STARTED TAKING PITY ON MYSELF...THAT IS THE LOWEST ANYONE CAN FALL IN HIS OWN EYES...I WAS MISERABLE...I WAS BROKEN...AND I WAS A SHIP-WRECK...
BUT TODAY, AFTER 3-4 YEARS OF JIBES AND TAUNTS, I HAVE DEVELOPED SOME CONFIDENCE IN ME, THANKS TO MY FRIENDS WHO STOOD BESIDES ME IN ALL THE MURKY WATERS THAT MY SHIP SAILED THROUGH...I JUST HOPE PEOPLE WHO MADE ME WHAT I WAS REALIZE THEIR MISTAKE...I CAN SIT HERE ALL DAY AND BLAME PEOPLE FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME...BUT BEFORE THEM ALL, I BLAME MYSELF...COZ' I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO RAG MYSELF OFF ALL THE CONFIDENCE...I GAVE EVERYONE THE LICENCE TO PUSH ME AROUND...I GUESS WHATS GONE IS GONE AND IS NOT COMING BACK...
DID THAT TIME DO ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE??? I WOULD SAY SO...AND IT WOULD TAKE A LOT OF TIME TO REPAIR IT...THE SAD THING IS, THOUGH, NO ONE HAS THE TIME OR PATIENCE TO UNDERSTAND ANYONE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN HELL HOLE WE CALL OUR WORLD...EVERYONE IS SAD...EVERYONE IS DEPRESSED...BUT STILL THEY HAVE NO CURTSY TO TALK TO ANOTHER PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE HAVING THE SAME EMOTIONS AS HIM...I GUESS AT THE END OF IT ALL, EVERYONE TRIES TO BE THE STRONGER PERSON...EVEN I TRY MY BEST...BUT ITS NOT WRONG TO ASK FOR SOME EMPATHY...I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO TAKE PITY ON ME, NOR DO I WANT THEM TO JUDGE ME...I WANT THEM TO UNDERSTAND ME...COZ' I KNOW LIFE IS NOT ALL HAHA-HEHE BUT EVEN I DESERVE MY SHARE OF HAPPINESS...AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF A DULL SITUATION, I WANT TO QUESTION THE DULL SITUATION...I HAVE CHICKENED OUT OF EVERYTHING MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I KNOW WHERE IT HAS TAKEN ME...I WANT TO TAKE CHANCES NOW...BECAUSE I KNOW TIME IS A TRICKY THING...YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT TURNS AGAINST YOU...
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